I'm feeling very dull and slow these days. I'm so desperate to feel like a smart person, or like someone who can ascertain anything that it feels like all I think about. The things is, I'm learning a lot lately...maybe. I've been reading and thinking and I can feel myself growing bit by bit, I guess I am realizing this is something I could've been doing for years and so it stings to start at the here and now.

For me, "smart" or "intelligent" always felt like comparative terms, and not in a positive way. The obnoxious academic is a archetype I'm well familiar with, especially in the circles I've run with in the past—they drive me insane, they're never as intelligent or thoughtful as they posture themselves to be and it aggravates me.. I'm always thinking "God I hope I'm never like them, I'd kill myself before showing my ass in front of people like that". Because of that I think I've like stripped the way I communicate my thinking to be as un-pretentious as possible, but now I'm getting the sinking feeling that I can only truly think in awesome's and beautiful's and that doesn't do anything for anyone. I guess my first step is unlearning that—or finding some kind of balance.

People have said before (online, so honestly idk why I put weight to it), that your brains elasticity, and thus language learning capability, starts to lose it's solidify at like age 18 or something, and before I was like well I don't really have much interest in writing or a need to learn another language so that's fine. But now I'm like well past that age and I want to write and learn languages so bad it hurts; it feels a little scary. Now that I'm thinking abt it, the person I think who said this was a tumblr user who had a infamous meltdown and left the site in disgrace; it was the "on the mouse" guy.. do people remember him? idk why I followed him.... maybe I can learn how to write and communicate my thoughts still...at least I'm not the butt of some joke like that guy....