Over the span of the last month and a half I've lost 2 people that I consider very close to me. One was very sudden, and the other was something that we knew would be coming someday. Other than the people that have also been affected, I think I've talked about this happening with 1 (one) person and that was because I had stayed up all night and couldn't come into work. I haven't really felt death reverberate into the world like this in a long while. Normally, this would derail someone's productivity and ability to work, it should do that. I was also on an extremely tight deadline with school stuff, I did not have space to really feel any of this. It was challenging, and keeping it a secret from people around me felt like one of the conditions for keeping myself stitched together enough to get the work done. It turned out good, I was told my writing is nice to read (not sure I believe that) and now I'm kind of on the other side of it. I'm not sure when I'm supposed to feel something, or if I even want to anymore.

I consider myself kind of put together, and not like I'm capable or well reasoned out but more like each part of the me that's a productive society member was intentionally welded onto who I am. 3 years ago I was basically a shut-in I couldn't go outside or take care of myself. But I was slowly able to fix the small things about me, I built a therapist for myself that lives in my head from base principles. Lately I'm worried the little engineer (the shut-in) that built this person, who drives to work 3 times a week, has shriveled up and died. I don't feel things like I used to. More especially I feel like any sort of creative impulse has gone out with the tide. I guess I've married myself to writing as my way to communicate with the world; the problem is I don't think or feel in words. I think in writing this out and potentially even posting it on my website that no one looks at (my neocities stats say I get like 1000 views a month somehow!) I'll be able to lock whatever this is away... I was kind of hoping I would like cry or something when I wrote this. Anyways I've been watching a lot of movies they've been good.